It has only been in the past year or so that I have been able to put my finger on what things make me anxious. My GAD makes me feel like I’m in a constant state of feeling anxious or worried, but then I realise that there are things that worry me more than others.
I thought performance anxiety was about getting up and talking infront of people but when I had tears streaming down my face and was close to a panic attack over chopping vegetables infront of someone I realised that it doesn’t have to be as big as that.
There are simple everyday tasks that I can’t do infront of people because I’m terrified that I will do it wrong or get laughed at. The fear builds up, takes over my day, takes my sleep away from me. I worried for days before getting my bike about riding it infront of people, I couldn’t go swimming with my boyfriend and have two weeks to prepare myself to do it on holiday. The first night I worked in a bar I had a panic attack because I was terrified of the customers watching me pour and serve drinks. I play these over in my head and hate myself for it.
How the hell am I going to control this and become a teacher?
But this weekend I’m trying to be brave for my friend. It’s her birthday, she wants to go paintballing and I am going to force myself to do it.
So if someone can send me magical fairies to take away my anxiety that’d be great. Need some positive vibes to come my way.